This may have been a conversation she's had with Varric in the past, where the dwarf cleverly pointed out her tendency towards emotional masochism. As Fenris' expression shifts from confusion to shock, her throat closes up with the tension, and that observation rings true: maybe she's here to see Fenris get mad at her, so she can use that guilt as a stick to beat herself with on the road.
And then he asks her that. You don't want me to come with you?
"Fenris..." she starts, around the knot in her throat; clears her throat quickly, shifting her weight from one foot to the other. "I can't ask you to, not this time. This is further afield than Kirkwall, further than the Wounded Coast, and it's more dangerous..."
She stops. Pauses, and sighs, and adds: "Not - I don't mean that you wouldn't be able to handle it, I know you would. I'm just trying to not drag my loved ones into danger with me again." A little bitter laugh, "After everything that happened in Kirkwall, you all deserve a rest."
And it has been long enough for the fires to have died down, but her safety and reputation in Kirkwall is still tenuous enough that she could leave, and the city would probably celebrate it. She may not have been the apostate to blow the Chantry up, but she is still remembered to have travelled with him, worked with him, and the old city holds grudges. (So does Marian, who remembers gullibly helping Anders get all the ingredients for that bomb, stupidly believing it was with the intention of separating himself from Justice.)
And she resolutely ignores the second question, because she doesn't have a good answer for him. All she knows is that she can't leave Varric and his Inquisitor friend to face Corypheus alone. All she knows is that Grey Wardens are starting to disappear and it makes her worry for Carver.
"You say that like you aren't the reason why I've stayed in Kirkwall this long in the first place."
Because really, what did Kirkwall have for him without her here? That he had ended up in the city in the first place had been a matter of chance and survival. She had factored greatly into that reasoning for his decision to stay. And then eventually...she had become the only reason. Certainly there were things about Kirkwall itself that he had grown fond of, but none of them were enough to make him stay. Fenris felt no real duty or obligation to the city.
Fenris folds his arms, peering at her suspiciously, as though he could unwind all of Hawke's words to find what she is too reluctant to say with a look.
"Do you really think this city is going to be more restful now, than before, after what happened?"
She lets out a bitter laugh at that, because he's right. "It's Kirkwall. The city's never known rest, even before the..." Mage unrest, templars' corruption, Chantry going boom? She has been saved from execution simply by having been proclaimed the Champion, but at this point there have been so many petitions (for her marriage, for her arrest, for her punishment, for her exultation) that she knew for weeks her days in Kirkwall would be numbered.
Maybe Varric's letter just gives her the excuse. She pulls a face. "I'm not sure how long its generosity towards me will last," with generosity dripped in sarcasm, because Kirkwall mostly takes. "But I - wait."
His words finally sink in, amidst all her layers of sass, and for a moment she is startled into silence. "I'm the reason you stay here?"
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but all jokes aside i love slowly chipping away at psl tags so you get back to it whenever, all good
And then he asks her that. You don't want me to come with you?
"Fenris..." she starts, around the knot in her throat; clears her throat quickly, shifting her weight from one foot to the other. "I can't ask you to, not this time. This is further afield than Kirkwall, further than the Wounded Coast, and it's more dangerous..."
She stops. Pauses, and sighs, and adds: "Not - I don't mean that you wouldn't be able to handle it, I know you would. I'm just trying to not drag my loved ones into danger with me again." A little bitter laugh, "After everything that happened in Kirkwall, you all deserve a rest."
And it has been long enough for the fires to have died down, but her safety and reputation in Kirkwall is still tenuous enough that she could leave, and the city would probably celebrate it. She may not have been the apostate to blow the Chantry up, but she is still remembered to have travelled with him, worked with him, and the old city holds grudges. (So does Marian, who remembers gullibly helping Anders get all the ingredients for that bomb, stupidly believing it was with the intention of separating himself from Justice.)
And she resolutely ignores the second question, because she doesn't have a good answer for him. All she knows is that she can't leave Varric and his Inquisitor friend to face Corypheus alone. All she knows is that Grey Wardens are starting to disappear and it makes her worry for Carver.
"I'm sorry."
;; <3
Because really, what did Kirkwall have for him without her here? That he had ended up in the city in the first place had been a matter of chance and survival. She had factored greatly into that reasoning for his decision to stay. And then eventually...she had become the only reason. Certainly there were things about Kirkwall itself that he had grown fond of, but none of them were enough to make him stay. Fenris felt no real duty or obligation to the city.
Fenris folds his arms, peering at her suspiciously, as though he could unwind all of Hawke's words to find what she is too reluctant to say with a look.
"Do you really think this city is going to be more restful now, than before, after what happened?"
no subject
Maybe Varric's letter just gives her the excuse. She pulls a face. "I'm not sure how long its generosity towards me will last," with generosity dripped in sarcasm, because Kirkwall mostly takes. "But I - wait."
His words finally sink in, amidst all her layers of sass, and for a moment she is startled into silence. "I'm the reason you stay here?"